A guilty conscience needs no accuser.

Нечистой совести обвинитель не нужен. Ср. Нечистая совесть спать не дает. Совесть без зубов, а грызет. Совесть не волк, а ест поедом. Краденый поросенок в ушах визжит. Грех несет в себе и наказание.

A great ship asks deep waters.

Ср. Большому кораблю — большое плавание.

A great fortune is a great slavery.

Большое состояние — большое рабство. Ср. Больше денег — больше хлопот. Лишние деньги — лишние заботы. Богатому не спится, он вора боится.

A great dowry is a bed full of brambles.

Богатое приданое все равно, что постель полная колючек. Ср. Лучше на убогой жениться, чем с богатой браниться. Не с богатством жить — с человеком. Не бери приданое, бери милу девицу. Богатую взять — станет попрекать.

A good wife makes a good husband.

У хорошей жены и муж хорош. Ср. Доброю женою и муж честен. У хорошей жены и плохой муж будет молодцом.

A good name keeps its lustre in the dark.

Доброе имя и во тьме светит. Ср. Золото и в грязи блестит.

A good name is sooner lost than won.

Хорошую репутацию легче утратить, чем приобрести. Ср. Слава приходит золотниками, а уходит пудами.

A good name is better than riches.

Ср. Добрая слава лучше богатства. Денег ни гроша, да слава хороша. Лучше быть бедняком, чем разбогатеть с грехом.

A good marksman may miss.

И хороший стрелок может промахнуться. Ср. И на доброго коня бывает спотычка. И на большие умы живет промашка.

A good Jack makes a good Jill.

У хорошего Джека и Джил хороша. Ср. У хорошего мужа и жена хороша.

A good face is a letter of recommendation.

Хорошее лицо все равно что рекомендательное письмо. Ср. Глаза (лицо) — зеркало души. Аленький цветок бросается в глазок. На алый цветок летит мотылек.

A good example is the best sermon.

Хороший пример — наилучшая проповедь. Ср. Ничто не убеждает людей лучше примера.

A good dog deserves a good bone.

Хорошая собака заслуживает хорошую кость. Ср. 'По заслугам и честь.

A good deed is never lost.

Доброе дело даром не пропадет. Ср. Доброе дело без награды не остается. Добро всегда вспомянется. За доброе дело жди похвалы смело. Доброе добром поминают.

A good beginning makes a good ending.

Хорошее начало обеспечивает хороший конец. Ср. Путное начало приводит к путному концу. Зачин дело красит. Лиха беда начало.

A good beginning is half the battle.

Хорошее начало — половина дела (букв. сражения). Ср. Доброе начало полдела откачало.

A good anvil does not fear the hammer.

Хорошая наковальня молота не боится. Ср. Правда суда не боится.

A friend's frown is better than a foe's smile.

Лучше хмурое лицо друга, - чем улыбка врага. Ср. Лучше горькая правда друга, чем лесть врага. Недруг поддакивает, а друг спорит.

A friend to all is a friend to none.

Тот, кто друг всем, не является другом никому. Ср. Всем брат — никому не брат. Приятелей много, да друга нет. И много друзей, да нет дружка .

A friend is never known till needed.

Друга не узнаешь, пока не понадобится его помощь. Ср. Неиспытанный друг ненадежен. Без беды друга не узнаешь.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Друг в беде есть настоящий друг. Ср. Друзья познаются в беде. Коня в рати узнаешь, друга в беде. Друг познается в несчастье .

A fox is not taken twice in the same snare.

Лису в одну и ту же ловушку дважды не поймаешь. Ср. Старую лису дважды не проведешь. Старая лиса дважды себя поймать не даст.

A foul morn may turn to a fair day.

Ненастное утро может смениться ясным днем. Ср . Серенькое утро — красненький денек.

A forced kindness deserves no thanks.

Вынужденная доброта не стоит благодарности.

A fool's tongue runs before his wit.

Дурак сперва говорит, а потом думает. Ср. У дурака язык наперед ума рыщет. У дурака язык впереди ног бежит.

A fool may throw a stone into a well which a hundred wise men cannot pull out.

Дурак в колодец камень закинет—сто умных не вытащат. Ср. Дурак завяжет — и умный не развяжет. Умный не всегда развяжет, что глупый завяжет.

A fool may ask more questions in an hour than a wise man can answer in seven years.

Умный семь лет не ответит на вопросы, которые дурак задаст за один час. Ср . На всякого дурака ума не напасешься .

A fool at forty is a fool indeed.

Дурак в сорок лет окончательно дурак. Ср . Старого дурака не перемолаживать .

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Дурак легко расстается с деньгами. Ср . У дурака в горсти дыра .

A fool always rushes to the fore.

Дурак всегда лезет вперед. Ср. Глупый ищет большого места, а умного и в углу видать.

A fly in the ointment.

Муха в бальзаме. Ср. Ложка дегтя в бочке меда.

A fault confessed is half redressed.

Признанная вина наполовину искуплена. Ср. Повинную голову меч не сечет. За признание — половина наказания.

A fair face may hide a foul heart.

За прекрасной внешностью может скрываться низкая душа. Ср. Лицом хорош, да душой непригож. Личиком гладок, а делами гадок. Сверху ясно, снизу грязно.

A drowning man will catch at a straw.

Утопающий за соломинку схватится. Ср. Утопающий и за соломинку хватается. Кто тонет — нож подай, и за нож ухватится.

A drop in the bucket.

Капля в ведре. Ср. Капля в море.

A danger foreseen is half avoided.

Кто знает о надвигающейся опасности, тот наполовину избежал ее. Ср. Опасайся бед, пока их нет.

A curst cow has short horns.

У проклятой коровы рога коротки, Ср. Бодливой корове бог рог не дает.

A creaking door hangs long on its hinges.

Скрипучая дверь долго висит на своих петлях. Ср. Скрипучее дерево два века стоит. Скрипучая береза дольше стоит. Битая посуда два века живет.

A cracked bell can never sound well.

Треснутый колокол уже никогда хорошо звенеть не будет. Ср. На леченой кобыле далеко не уедешь. Надсаженный конь, надломленный лук да замирённый друг равно ненадежны.

A cock is valiant on his own dunghill.

Петух храбр на своей навозной куче. Ср. И петух на своем пепелище храбрится. В подполье и мышь геройствует. На своей улочке храбра и курочка. Из-за куста и ворона востра.

A close mouth catches no flies.

В закрытый рот муха не влетит. Смысл: молчание глупостей не делает. Ср. В рот, закрытый глухо, не залетает муха. Кто молчит , тот не грешит.

A clear conscience laughs at false accusations.

Чистая совесть смеется над клеветой. Ср. Добрая совесть не боится клеветы. Чистого и огонь не обожжёт.

A clean hand wants no washing.

Чистую руку мыть не нужно. Смысл: честному человеку оправдываться излишне. Ср. Правда милости не ищет. Правду красить нет нужды. Правда сама себя очистит.

A clean fast is better than a dirty breakfast.

Честный пост лучше, чем нечестный (букв. грязный) завтрак. Смысл: лучше беднее, да честнее. Ср. лучше бедность да честность, нежели прибыль да стыд. Хлеб с водою , да не пирог с лихвою.

A civil denial is better than a rude grant.

Вежливый отказ лучше, чем грубое согласие.

A city that parleys is half gotten.

Город, желающий вступить в переговоры, на полпути к сдаче. Ср . Осажденный город двоемыслен.

A cat in gloves catches no mice.

Кот в перчатках мышей не поймает. Смысл: будешь белоручкой — дела не сделаешь. Ср. Без труда не вытащишь и рыбки из пруда. Не замочив рук, не умоешься.

A burnt child dreads the fire.

Обжегшееся дитя огня боится. Ср. Обжегшись на молоке, будешь дуть и на воду.

A burden of one's own choice is not felt.

Груз, который сам выбрал, несешь не чувствуя. Ср. Своя ноша не тянет.

A broken friendship may be soldered, but will never be sound.

Треснувшую дружбу можно склеить (букв. спаять), но она никогда уже не будет прочной. Ср. Замирённый друг ненадежен.

A blind man would be glad to see.

Слепой был бы рад видеть. Ср. Посмотрим , сказал слепой.

A blind leader of the blind.

У слепого слепой поводырь. Ср. Слепой слепого далеко не уведет. Слепой слепца водит, а оба зги не видят. Косой кривого не учит.

A black hen lays a white egg.

Черная курица несет белое яичко. Ср. От черной курочки да белое яичко. От черной коровы да белое молочко. Черна корова, да бело молоко.

A bird may be known by its song.

Птицу можно узнать по тому, как она поет (букв. по ее песне). Ср. Видна птица по полёту.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Лучше одна птичка в руках, чем две в кустах. Ср. Синица в руках — лучше соловья в лесу. Не сули журавля в небе, а дай синицу в руки. Ближняя соломка лучше дальнего сенца. Лучше воробей в руке, чем петух на кровле.

A beggar can never be bankrupt.

Бедняк никогда не обанкротится. Ср. Голый — что святой: не боится беды. Голой овцы не стригут.

A bargain is a bargain.

Сделка есть сделка. Ср. Уговор дороже денег. Уговор святое дело.

A bad workman quarrels with his tools.

Плохой работник с инструментами не в ладу. Ср. У плохого мастера и пила плохая. Мастер глуп — нож туп.

A bad corn promise is better than a good lawsuit.

Плохой компромисс лучше, чем хорошая тяжба. Ср. Худой мир лучше доброй ссоры.

A bad beginning makes a bad ending.

Плохое начало ведет к плохому концу. Ср. Плохому началу — плохой конец. Плохое начало не к доброму концу.

Dear Abby:

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober....

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we h ... Читать дальше »

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections.

On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a litter of small kittens."

A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise in the president's ... Читать дальше »

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS."

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.

Black And His Son
A black man and his son are on a plane heading home back to Africa. During the plane flight theres a problem, the plane is overweight. On the overhead an annoucement comes on. "We are having overweight problems so we are going to have to throw some people off of the back of the plane, we'll start in alphabetical order. Will all african americans please stand up and move to the back of the plane". The Son stands up and the father says "sit down." "Will all black people please stand up and goto the back of the plane." The Son stands up father says "sit down." "Will all cloured people please stand up and move to the back of the plane." The Son stands up the father says "sit down." The son then says "But dad, if were not african americans, blacks, or coloured, what are we?" "Today were Niggers son."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you to ... Читать дальше »

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!" Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby?

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.

Wedding cake!

Miracle Bra Alternative A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

God made a man and then rested. God made a woman and then no one rested

President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and whispers something in Clinton's ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at Hillary and yells, "Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!". She looks surprised but leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, "No, I said to throw out the first PITCH!"

God Meets Bureaucracy

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were n ... Читать дальше »

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a loo ... Читать дальше »

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to

UNLV

(basketball players only)

Time Limit: 3 weeks

*

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being Ge ... Читать дальше »

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ. Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers. The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have cancer"

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their personalities!

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus

It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while ... Читать дальше »

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?"

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask? "Do you want fries with that?"

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:

%>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one p ... Читать дальше »

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." The friend looks at him quizically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." "What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"